Interview: “This Show Changed My Life” – James Barr On Shame, Survival And The Power Of Laughing At The Pain

“If I weren’t doing this, I genuinely don’t know where I’d be,” James Barr tells me. He then quips: “A naked gay piss party?” His stand-up show, Sorry I Hurt Your Son (Said My Ex to My Mum), which returns to Edinburgh Fringe this year following a successful run in 2024, was “always about survival” he says.

Barr, a multi-award-winning comedian, podcaster, and radio presenter, takes an unlikely source for his poignant one-hour show: the four years of domestic abuse he suffered at the hands of a former boyfriend. With intimate reflection, he boldly reframes the conversation about abusive relationships, finding humour amongst the heartache and tragedy.

“It’s important to tell a story like mine through comedy because laughter helps disarm stigma and defeat shame. I had to learn how to talk about something painful and make it fucking funny. That meant completely relearning comedy.”

He named the show after something his ex-partner wrote in a Christmas card to his mother: “Sorry I hurt your son”. “Every single joke had to serve the story. Nothing could undercut the truth or diminish the weight of it. It’s been a constant balancing act: how do I make people feel comfortable enough to laugh at something they’d usually squirm at? That’s been the challenge, but it’s also the magic trick and now that I’ve cracked it, I’m obsessed.”

James Barr on stage performing Sorry I Hurt Your Son (Said My Ex to My Mum) | IMAGE: Corinne Cumming

Overcoming the doubts

When Barr first brought Sorry I Hurt Your Son (Said My Ex to My Mum) to the Edinburgh Fringe, he wasn’t sure he was ready. “Last year, I had days where I was really happy and others where I was really sad,” he says. “Honestly, it was too soon for me to be there. I probably would’ve given up if it weren’t for a few key moments.”

One of those moments was an early boost from Netflix, who expressed interest in how the show might evolve — a vote of confidence that kept him going. But it was a quiet word from It’s a Sin creator Russell T Davies that truly reshaped the direction of the piece. “Russell came, said something beautiful, and privately passed me a note that completely changed the direction of my storytelling.”

That message helped Barr realise that trauma, like grief, doesn’t simply end — and nor does his story. “It stays with you. This will always be my story… but how I tell it, how I carry it, that can change.”

From there, the show — and Barr — embarked on a journey of real transformation. “So I took the show to Australia, slept with a gorgeous Aussie, and realised: I actually feel good. And maybe the show can too. I basically went full Eat Pray Love, but with a mic.”

What followed was months of hard graft — not just emotional growth, but relentless touring and refining. “It’s taken a huge amount of personal work, but also a lot of gigging — over 50 shows across four countries, testing new material on three continents, asking every comic mate I know for notes. And now, hopefully, this new version is undeniable.”

“I want to change the way we talk about domestic abuse.”

The power of Sorry I Hurt Your Son (Said My Ex to My Mum) lies not only in its raw honesty and humour, but in its mission to spark reflection and change — both personal and cultural. Barr wants his audience to feel something more than entertained. “I hope someone like my ex might watch the show and think, ‘Shit. That’s me. I’m doing that.’ I hope someone like me might see it and realise they can leave, sooner.”

But it goes deeper than individual reckoning. “I want to change the way we talk about domestic abuse. We need to stop pathologising it. It’s happening to so many people, all the time, and it’s not always some cartoon villain. Sometimes it’s your brother. Your sister. Your mum. Your dad.”

For Barr, being gay has shaped not only how the abuse was experienced, but also how it’s now being shared. “The fact that I’m gay and this happened to me is also my power. Queer people have already had to defeat shame once. Now, I’m doing it again. I’m taking the shame out of domestic abuse and I’m laughing at it.”

The impact of that laughter, and the truth behind it, is being felt. “A gay couple came to the show in Scotland and told me it had helped them have an honest conversation about their past trauma for the first time. They said without the show, they might not have been able to go there, and now, their relationship is stronger. They can recognise when that trauma is coming up and support each other through it. That meant a lot.”

Sometimes the reaction comes from unexpected places. “In Australia, a straight couple came and after the show he said, ‘Thank you for showing my girlfriend what I went through.’ That really stuck with me. The fact that a comedy show could do that, could make someone feel seen and understood is exactly why I’m doing this.”

So often, abuse within LGBTQ+ relationships is underreported, misread, or pushed into silence. Barr knows why. “One of the biggest challenges is that we’ve spent so long trying to be perfect — trying to fit into a straight, heteronormative lens. We’ve fought so hard to prove that love is love, that we’re okay, that we deserve love.”

The fear of reinforcing negative stereotypes, or giving bigots more ammunition, keeps many from speaking out. “Because we’ve been hated for so long, there’s a real fear in being honest and saying, ‘Actually… some of these situations aren’t okay.’ And I think many of us feel lucky just to be loved at all.”

That vulnerability — and the cultural silence surrounding queer abuse — can become a trap. “We grew up in a world that told us we weren’t worthy. After years of systemic bullying, internalised shame, and rejection, it’s easy to accept less than we deserve.”

But Barr’s message is clear and urgent: “The silence born from fear and shame can keep us stuck. But breaking it is where the power is. Love is not love if it hurts.”

James Barr on stage performing Sorry I Hurt Your Son (Said My Ex to My Mum) | IMAGE: Corinne Cumming

“This show has changed my life”

Barr isn’t just changing the conversation around queer identity and domestic abuse — he’s reshaping it entirely. From his work on A Gay and A NonGay (the UK’s number one LGBTQ+ podcast), to the breakfast radio mic and now the stand-up stage, his voice has travelled far — and touched more people than he ever realised.

Yet, it’s this latest chapter that stands out. “This show has changed my life. Learning how to communicate through it has been transformative. I think I’ve even surprised myself. I didn’t know I had this in me. It’s been inspiring, in a way I never expected.”

Sometimes, though, it’s the quiet reminders that have the most lasting impact. “Yesterday, I got a message from a guy who used to listen to me on the radio back in 2010. He told me how much it meant to hear someone openly gay on air back then, and that it helped him come out. It’s wild to know that 15 years later, something I said still matters to someone.”

He adds, “There have been so many moments like that… and right now, I’m just trying to stay present with them.”

This year, Barr’s nomination for a British LGBT Award in the “Public Figure” category feels like more than a professional nod — it feels like a call to action. “Being nominated means a lot but more than anything, it feels like a sign to keep going. I want to be in Number 10 talking about this. I think it’s time this conversation reached Parliament.”

He’s clear about the bigger mission behind the laughs and the lights. “I want to advocate for better understanding and awareness of domestic abuse in LGBTQ+ relationships, and to make sure the people who feel stuck know they’re not alone.”

Still, advocacy and ambition can live side by side. “That’s where I want to take this next. That and all of the fun, slightly more superficial stuff too… like a West End run, an epic special, all of it. But underneath all that, the real goal is helping people feel less alone, and showing them what love really is — and what it definitely isn’t.”

James Barr: Sorry I Hurt Your Son (Said My Ex To My Mum) will be performed at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in Underbelly’s George Square from 30th July – 24th August.

For tickets and more information, visit Underbelly Edinburgh

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