10. Hot Shots: Part Deux
The first Hot Shots film made the fatal mistake of believing it was funny. Part Two puts the joke on the audience, asking you to measure your lack of intelligence based on how many times this film makes you grin uncontrollably. We tested 1000 randomly chosen members of the public. After the screening the noise level was recorded to determine how much the audience laughed and therefore measure the intelligence of the entire group. The sound device recorded nothing. The audience were geniuses!
9. Major League 2
A very enjoyable baseball movie is sequelised by a very poor one. Walking erection Charlie Sheen, who once shot actress Kelly Preston, phones in another rubbish performance
8. Rated X
All the talent in the Estevez family went to Dad Martin Sheen and son Emilio Estevez. It’s a lovely gesture by Emelio to help his less talented brother Charlie out but he should know the guy is a curse on anyone and anything that crosses his path. That includes the film. Rated X, directed by underrated actor-director Emelio Estevez is about the porn industry – something Charlie Sheen knows all about. It features porn actress Kim Poirier who Charlie probably slept with then assaulted (I will clarify that with the statement – that is based on my own opinion and is not fact, just a very well-educated guess).
7. Terminal Velocity
Sex pest and drug abuser Charlie Sheen may only have taken the role in Terminal Velocity because his character’s name rhymed with Bitch. This inept action film can be summed up thusly: a pink rubber glove-wearing Christopher McDonald is the bad guy.
6. Scary Movie 3 and Scary Movie 4
The first Scary Movie film was so dumb it didn’t realise that the film it was supposed to be parodying – Wes Craven’s Scream – was actually a postmodern parody itself. The joke was therefore on the filmmakers. Admittedly, Scary Movie had its moments but there was no need for a sequel let alone a third and fourth movie. Charlie Sheen took time out from his exceedingly exciting life to appear in two of the franchise’s painfully bad sequels.
5. The Big Bounce
Sunshine and naked women can’t help The Big Bounce from avoiding its own rear end. Huge cast but they only care about their pay cheques.
4. Shadow Conspiracy
Wonderful cast – if Charlie Sheen wasn’t in it – but a terrible conspiracy thriller about power-grabbing in the White House.
3. Navy Seals
Charlie Sheen tries to prove he has a penis as a hard man among other hard men in the truly atrocious Navy Seals. Worth watching if only to see a part re-teaming of Marines Bill Paxton and Michael Biehn from Aliens, Navy Seals is the sort of brainless action film that rots the brain without you even knowing it. Sheen’s limp performance is just one down-note in a whole bunch down-notes.
2. The Chase
Charlie Sheen plays an idiot (so right up his street) who escapes police by taking a hostage and making off with her car. He becomes a media sensation as the cops chase his vehicle across town. This is about as exciting as cutting toe nails. Kristy Swanson plays the girl – I’m guessing, again educationally, that Sheen slept with her, did some cocaine, then assaulted her with bottles of Budweiser.
Charlie Sheen turns up – for a few minutes – in this crazy film about Nicolas Cage doing crazy things. It doesn’t make any sense but then neither does Charlie Sheen when he’s speaking.
Written and compiled by Fabian Jackson