Having given you his take on the best movies of 2013, Ryan Pollard takes a look at the worst of the year including Pain & Gain, Movie 43, Run For Your Wife & Diana…
We may have had our Top 10 of 2013, but now we have the flipside, the darkside of that equation with the 10 worst films of 2013. How bad is it? It’s so bad that stinkers like Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, Scary Movie 5 and The Hangover Part III didn’t make it into the list! So, now it’s time to go through the Top… or should that be Bottom 10 of 2013. Oh, boy…
10. A Good Day to Die Hard (John Moore)
Definitely more like “a bad day to die hard”; this idiotic fifth instalment is, by far and away, the weakest entry in a now dragged-out franchise. Not even Bruce Willis’ smirking demeanour can enliven what is a dull, clichéd and uninspiring stinker where bystanders are killed, cars are crashed, guns are spent and helicopters explode. Blah bloody blah… literally. Apparently a sixth Die Hard (“Die Hardest”) is on its way soon. Just shoot me now.
9. Texas Chainsaw 3D (John Luessenhop)
Is it a remake, a reboot, a reimagining or whatever? Who knows? Who cares? There’s nothing so bad as having modern filmmakers cannibalise beloved classic horror movies for mere profit… and in horrible stereoscopy.
8. Kick-Ass 2 (Jeff Wadlow)
The film that demonstrates what can be so bad about a bad film. It’s not just that a film isn’t any good at all, but they can also be very disappointing after having your expectations for them set very high, and that is the case with Kick-Ass 2. If you just imagine how truly special the first Kick-Ass was (my personal favourite film ever), and how it was so adventurous, exciting, and dangerous. Then you’ll know what a real stinker its sequel is. A proper disappointment.
7. Grown Ups 2 (Dennis Dugan)
As if Adam Sandler couldn’t have dug himself a bigger hole to sink himself into, Grown Ups 2 is a film that will certainly bore, annoy, and disgust audiences of nearly every other persuasion. Such a shame it had to take $246 million worldwide, resulting in a very real possibility for the existence of Grown Ups 3.
6. Diana (Oliver Hirschbiegel)
“Can you really die of a broken heart?” asks Diana. Maybe not, but watching this film, you can surely die of boredom. Naomi Watts tries her best, but Diana buries her efforts under a completely shoddy, made-for-TV, script and clumsy direction from an intelligent filmmaker. Diana was the universal critical raspberry of 2013.
5. The Internship (Shawn Levy)
The Internship weighs down Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson’s comic charisma even further with a formulaic script and a padded running time that makes the whole thing feel like an extended 2-hour advert for Google. It’s one of the most witless, humourless, horribly self-satisfied, vomit-inducingly smug, unfunny comedies I have ever seen.
4. The Counsellor (Ridley Scott)
Another perfect example of how a film that could’ve and should’ve been good, but turned out to be a real disappointment. We may usually get idiotic films made by idiotic filmmakers, but it’s a completely different matter when Ridley Scott, Cormac McCarthy, Michael Fassbender, Penelope Cruz, Brad Pitt, Cameron Diaz, Javier Bardem and a whole host of others get together to create something as abominable as The Counsellor. A genuinely awful film made by genuinely creative people. What went wrong?
3. Run For Your Wife (Ray Cooney, John Luton)
The not-so eagerly anticipated screen adaptation of Ray Cooney’s trouser-dropping stage farce. Danny Dyer stands on a rake, Neil Morrissey sits on a cake, and Denise Van Outen and Sarah Harding both play conflicting bickering wives. Almost everyone in the British Film Industry is in this catastrophe, but thank goodness it only took £602 in its opening weekend.
2. Movie 43 (Various)
A star studded film that turned out to be a catastrophic catalogue of celebrity embarrassments, the biggest names in Hollywood (ranging from Kate Winslet, Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Richard Gere, Uma Thurman, etc.) turn up in Movie 43, only to make complete and utter fools of themselves, probably because the filmmakers got something on them. The Hollywood equivalent of Run For Your Wife.
1. Pain & Gain (Michael Bay)
For years, Michael Bay has constantly made films that are witless and dull, but Pain & Gain was a film that could have been different. It could have cast a new light on Bay in a way that showed he had put his explosive past behind him to create something that was thought provoking, intriguing and creative.
But it hasn’t.
Instead he has made a film that is vile, nasty, hateful, loathsome, stupid, and quite evil. By far and away, the worst film of 2013.