Top 10 James Bond Quips

James Bond has the Bond Girl, he has the car, and he has the gadget to get him out of trouble! Now all he needs is a great quip…

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Ahh, Bond, the man whose cool-factor is only limited to the quality of the scripting. Ian Fleming’s iconic spy, who always gets the girl and kills the Bad Guy, usually follows up doing either with a witty remark or retort.

Never taking a step backwards when a chance for comedy is on offer (even in the most grotesque of scenarios), the Bond films feature a wide variety of put-downs, double-entendre and sarcastic witticisms.

Here, we’ve picked the ten best.

10. “I thought Christmas Only Came Once A Year” – The World Is Not Enough


After saving the world from nuclear annihilation (again), Bond (Brosnan) ends up bedding the lovely nuclear physicist Dr Christmas Jones (Yeah, that’s what we thought) just before the closing credits. The ever-so-suave Bond plumbs the depths (so to speak) of innuendo with his incredibly straight-faced reference to Christmas, before following that up with the equally gallant “I always wanted to have Christmas in Turkey”, a reference to both their location and situation.

9. “Re-entry…” – Moonraker


At the end of Moonraker, Bond (Moore) and Holly Goodhead are making love up in space, when Q interrupts them via video-link. Embarrassed, when M asks him what Bond is up to from behind, Q squints at the screen, and in a terrific double-entendre, replies “I think he’s attempting re-entry, sir…” Ahh Q, you’d make a terrible astronaut.

8. “One last screw” – The World Is Not Enough


Bond (Brosnan) is strapped to a torture device in the shape of a chair, on which a section of the headrest screws inwards to put pressure on a victims spine. With the villain doing her worst, Bond picks just that time to once more elicit groans from the audience by referring to sex – again. Ahh, Bond, always thinking with your head.

7. “The next girl” – GoldenEye


Caroline, an MI6 evaluations expert is sent to “test” Bond (Brosnan) psychologically. As they drive his Aston Martin at speed down some winding roads, Caroline complains to Bond that “[she] likes a good ride as much as the next girl…” while Bond notices temptress Xenia Onatopp driving next to him. “Who’s that?” questions Caroline. Bond, pausing for irony, replies “the next girl”. Ahh Bond, always treating his conquests with respect.

6. Not Shaken, or stirred – Casino Royale (2006)

In Martin Campbell’s reboot of Bond, starring Daniel Craig, Bond is in the midst of gambling against LaChiffre at the titular Casino when he decides to get a drink. Asking for his Vodka martini, the bartender queries whether he’d like it shaken or stirred – Bond retorts with “Do I look like I give a damn?”, putting an end to 20 films of iconic “shaken, not stirred”… Genius.

5. The New Q’s Best Line – Die Another Day


Bond (Brosnan) has a rather terse relationship with the new Q (John Cleese), and after being surprised with just how many gadgets Q has shoved into his latest vehicle, Bond says “You know, you’re cleverer than you look!”. Q, barely pausing to even let this sink in, retorts “Yes… still, better than looking cleverer than you are.” Withering, perceptive, and gut-busting.

4. “He had a lot of guts” – On Her Majesty’s Secret Service


Aussie Bond (George Lazenby) has just seen a villain ski into a snow-blower, spraying the snow behind with blood, turns and gives the most blood-curdling of lines. Harsh, man.

3. “Yeah, and I’m Dick Tracy and you’re still under arrest” – A View To A Kill


Bond (Moore) tries to schmooze his way out of being arrested by using his legendary introduction: “The name’s Bond, James Bond”, which obviously fails to impress the Fire Chief. The Fire Chief shows Bond just what that name means to him. Ahh Bond, known by super-villains and hot girls, but not folks in the emergency services.

2. “It’s just the right size… for me, that is” – From Russia With Love


Bond (Connery), utters the incredibly salacious reply to Tanya Romanova saying “I think my mouth is too big”…. taken out of context, of course, this is highly suggestive. Ahh Bond, always thinking of a lady’s comfort.

1. “I might retire here.” – You Only Live Twice


Bond (Connery), being given the rules of Japanese culture while visiting that country, by Tiger Tanaka, included the Number 2 rule: Men come first, women come second, to which Bond utters his immortally misogynistic reply. Ahh Bond, always considering a lady’s feelings.

Written and compiled by Rodney Twelftree

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About the Author
An Aussie lad with a love of cinema, Rodney Twelftree parlayed his interest in films into a website dedicated to reviewing them. Currently Editor In Chief at fernbyfilms.com, Rodney spends much of his time watching films, television, reading science fiction novels and trawling the internet for news and reviews on all things film.

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  1. Avatar
    Scott Lawlor Reply

    Ah man he does have the best oneliners!! Nice list

  2. Avatar
    mark Reply

    Pic number two looks awfully like it’s from The Spy Who Loved Me.

    There was a funny moment in On Her Majesty’s … when George says something like: “I feel a little stiffness coming on” when a girl put her hand on his leg (he may have been wearing a quilt at the time … been a while since I’ve seen it).

    Moore’s comment about someone being a boring tit while removing his fake nipple in The Man with the Golden Gun was also amusing.

  3. Avatar
    Alex Withrow Reply

    Great list! Couldn’t agree more with Craig’s “Do I look like I give a damn,” one-liner. Perfect flip on a classic line.

  4. Avatar
    ruth Reply

    I actually HATE that Christmas line w/ the stupidest Bond girl ever. Since there’s none here by Dalton (understandably so as he detested delivering one-liners) I thought “He got the boot.” from The Living Daylights was pretty good 🙂

  5. Avatar
    Rodney Reply

    Thanks for your kind words, guys. While I was compiling this list, I was reminded of those cheesy one-liners out of Naked Gun et al, and thought a lot of Bond’s wit was…. well, pretty lame, to be honest. I went with the above because it was the LEAST-lame humor to come out of the Bond films…. but Ruth, I can understand you not appreciating the “Christmas in Turkey” material used in The World Is Not Enough…. LOL

  6. Avatar
    Chris Wharfe Reply

    Good choices Rodney, though I’d feel compelled to include Robbie Coltrane’s line in The World Is Not Enough after his hideout ‘collapses’ – “The insurance company is NEVER going to believe this!” 🙂

    Couldn’t believe number 10 on your list when I first heard it in the film. The “Christmas in Turkey” thing works on so many levels, and yet it manages to be awfully bad on every single one of them 😉

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